Monday, June 18, 2007

Am I Really Saying This?

I think i've figured it out.

The reason I don't feel elated at finishing Eagleman like the rest of the TRIgirls. But wait I'm not sure. I really don't want to admit it. I just can't press it down any more or deny it.

I want to do an Ironman.

That's what I think it is. It's horrible and I don't want to say it outloud or write it even. But it is true. In my heart, in my wildest dreams, I know it is true.

"Horrible" only in the sense of terrifying. Only in the sense of I don't really want to come clean and admit to myself that this is a dream of mine....just becuase I'm not sure If I have the guts (or time) right now to persue it. And, becuase it hurts just a little bit (along with much joy that I feel) to watch my teammates pursue something that I want to do but am just not yet ready for.

Ironman J. just wrote a great post about Ironman Dreams. As I read it, I realized that he was talking about me. You never forget your first triathlon. And the reason I found such exhileration after so many races was becuase each of those times I was pushing so far outside of my comfort zone. Somehow, I'm not sure if Eagleman did that for me. And I'm not sure why. Maybe I was just too comfortable with all my teammates around. I felt in my heart, I always knew I would finish (well except for during my asthma attack). Mostly becuase I had completed the workouts to a T and had faith in my coaches and my training.
Maybe that elation didn't come because I didn't push myself hard enough to go faster or run more of the race. Or maybe, like someone suggested recently, the enormity of my accomplishment just hasn't hit me yet.
Maybe I'll never know

But there is a part of my heart that says it is because I have this dream that I've been surpressing....a dream to train for and complete an Ironman.

Now can someone remind me of what I said directly after the Half Ironman?

Was it "I want to sit down now!"
or was it "I never want to do this again!"
or was it both?

Or as Pirate recently said, "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway."


carmen said...

i will sell you
my imfl registration
one dollar

Melissa said...

i have faith in you. i say go for it!

Anonymous said...

I have great faith that you can do it - when the time and place suit you and your family. My brother (who is 41) wants to do one when he is 50 (when his children are older - they are close to the ages of your two). For you, maybe it will be next year - or maybe 5 years - or 10. The bottom line is that it's your dream. Hang on to it - you can do it.
I also think it's very normal to feel down after such a large accomplishment. I had a weird unsettled feeling all last week. I think I missed the workouts - and my training partners (of course).


Annn said...

Welcome to my hell.

Join me.


You and me babe.


momo said...

i said the exact same things - after my first ironman. in that order. i just want to sit down and i'm never doing that again.

ironman cda is sunday. :-)

i say go for it.

TriGirl 40 said...

What a great post - summing up all the emotion that goes into making the major decision of doing an Ironman. G gave me the best advice when making the decision - "only you will know when the time is right."

And whether that time is next year or a few more out - you'll make your dream happen.

Diane said...

I understand IM Arizona is still open...

Vickie said...

Follow your dream and you will do it.

Jason said...

oh yes, the need and want to an Ironman, first sneaks into a little corner of the mind. Then it slowly and sneakily starts to branch out and take control of parts of the brain. It then convinces you to do a longer race, like a 70.3. Then it destroys the joy you think you should have at completing a race, but saying, but that wasn't a full Ironman. So you try to deny it, but that never works, it just feeds on your denial until the comes along that you give and say: I want to do an Ironman!

Good luck with the journey. It is worth the experience.

The Scott Family said...

I know what you mean about wanting to do the full ironman. I have done one half and the desire to do a full is strong ... however ... I find it hard enough to find the time to train for a half and justifying the cost (money and time) to my family is hard! :(

My wife 'tolerates' my obsession with the half but doesn't really support my full ironman ambition. I have said that I am going to do one for my 50th birthday ... so 9 years to train ... that should just be enough! :)

Keep up the blog .... really good read :)